Hello World Changer!
I am utterly wrecked. I’m sick with worry and unraveled because I am so distraught.
In six months, my life has gone from living below my means and feeling free with an $800 mortgage, to being completely strapped, owning $4000 a month in mortgages and paying bills for two houses.
Every month that passes, we are watching the value of the house we are trying to sell fall, and we always seem to be behind the market as the highest-priced house.
Only eight months ago, we returned from a long, difficult journey in Greece with three small children. We lost all of our savings and came home with less than $200 in our bank accounts.
Starting Again
We faced blackmail, family feuds, injured children, and a freezing winter with no blankets, warm clothes, or heat for the apartment. We kissed the USA soil when we returned and got to work immediately with our new art dealer from Toronto. We just shipped 20 paintings to him and are eagerly awaiting a nice fat check.
While we were in Greece losing everything, our house in Arizona tripled in value; and when we got back, all of our neighbors were new. All of our friends sold their houses and bought new and better ones for their growing families. We were shocked to find out that we had so much equity in our home, and we thought this was our chance to upgrade.
I was pregnant with our fourth child, and our girls were already needing to share rooms. We were dreaming of a safer neighborhood closer to town, more square footage, an art studio that wasn't in the garage, and a bigger back yard.
Bills, Brushes, and a Battle Cry
Houses were slow to be built due to high demand, and already-built homes were selling the day they hit the market with multiple offers. After a few months of building up some savings, we decided to put down some earnest money on a new build and wait to sell our current house until our move-in date was closer.
Because we were young and dumb and didn’t have a crystal ball, we didn’t anticipate a housing bubble that would cause prices to fall. That’s how we ended up owning two houses at once and, on stated income, paying a 17-percent interest rate.
Our new mortgage jumped from a planned $1,200 per month to $3,200. Every month, we are being crushed by bills, owning two homes and hoping and praying for our house to sell in a falling market.
Nearly every moment of each day, I pray and beg God to sell our house. Each morning, I wake up with a sick feeling in the pit of my gut, preparing myself to lose everything and be homeless.
We work extra hard painting as fast and furious as possible, selling $12K-$15K in art each month, only to find that we have nothing left at the end of the month. Painting more than 50 paintings each month has increased our demand, and we can never seem to catch up. Our dealer is constantly asking asking us when the next shipment of paintings is coming.
There is no time to plan, strategize, or do anything outside of paint and feed children to make our life better or more livable. My connection with God has been reduced to begging and pleading and whining and crying for a sold house. I am obsessed.
Called Higher
Finally one day, I sit in my favorite chair and tell God, “I’m not leaving this chair until you speak to me and tell me why you won't sell my house.”
After a few minutes of fighting for my mind to silence and my heart to align, I hear God say, “Read Songs chapter 4, verses 8-12.”
It is so clear and clean and true. I know that God is speaking to me. I pull up the poem and begin to read:
“Come up with me from Lebanon. From the top of Senir, the summit of Hermon, from the lions’ dens and the mountain haunts of leopards.”
I feel like I have been in the lions’ den, being ravaged by leopards. I am in a fierce battle.
I recognize that I am being called up higher. Even above the top of Mt. Hermon. I read that this is where David stored his weapons. This is where the mountain lions lived.
I am there, embroiled in the place between heaven and earth where warfare occurs. But I am being called up higher. I am ready. I’m tired and worn out by the battle. I want to go up higher beyond where the leopards live.
Verse 9 says, “You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride. You have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one bead of your necklace.”
Is it true? I have stolen your heart?! I thought I was greedy wanting a bigger house for my family and now I was being punished. I was Sisyphus rolling my rock up the hill and never getting to the top.
But I have stolen his heart with just one bead of my necklace. I should leave the rock to roll down the hill and come up higher to him. My will is for him. My will is to come up higher. Even one bead on my necklace shifts at the slightest movement of my neck, or my will upward towards God. I ravished his heart with one bead of my necklace and one glance of my eyes.
“How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume more than any spice.”
Yes, he loves me. If this is how God feels towards me, who cares about the money, the house, the battle I have left behind on Mt. Hermon?
Dripping Milk and Honey
“Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue. The fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon.”
When I read this verse, it punches me in the gut. I am forever changed. From my lips I speak sweet words. Words that can bring transformation, because milk and honey are stored under my tongue.
From my battles, from my pain, I see the goodness of God. His promises are true. His love endures and is everlasting. This is the milk and honey stored for the right moment under my tongue.
From our painful experience, we carry wisdom for others. We know what to say and when to say it. We smell like the cedar trees that grow in high altitudes. We have lived what we are saying. Our words are not empty or without the knowledge of suffering.
Finally, verse 12: “You are a garden locked up, my sister, my bride; you are a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain.”
I am uncorrupted. The things of this world cannot pollute the fountain pouring forth. Although I faced difficulties and problems, although I have been through war, I did not grow bitter. I found the goodness of God. I see that he gave us more business than we can even handle. I see that every bill was paid in full.
God showed me that day what truth is. He pulled me up into right perspective. Up higher in his presence, I see the truth of what transpired below me.
Bringing Heaven to Earth
The world below us is weird right now. With every other post or short clip, we see how the world seems to be unraveling. Some of us are embroiled and wringing our hands. Some of us can’t bear the watch and decide to look the other way.
As long as we are tethered to this world, we struggle to come up higher. Above the lions’ den and the haunts of the leopards. We must ascend above the place where we store our weapons.
With just one glance of our eyes upward, with just one small shift of our necklace, we have stolen God’s heart. He calls us upward to be with him. He will give us milk and honey to store under our tongue or within the hairs of our brushes. We have a message to bring the world—a message from above, not below.
Maybe we have been in a battle. Our soul is distraught, but we can go to the high place and be tethered to heaven. We find God’s presence in what we love most. Maybe it is painting, or music, or being in nature.
Sometimes when I paint, I feel I have gone into another realm. I have lost myself. Time and place no longer exist. I am engulfed in the loving waters of heaven, where truth can be found.
This is my utmost contribution to the world. To come up above the lions’ den, sink into God’s presence, and paint. To create with God in this sweet and gentle presence. To bring heaven to earth.
What helps you shift your perspective when life feels overwhelming?
